Quotes from Carlin’s Books

Here are some popularly shared George Carlin quotations that he actually said, and can be directly sourced and quoted from one of his authored books. Page numbers refer to the first editions of each respective book.

Quotes from Brain Droppings (1997)

  • People say, “I’m going to sleep now,” as if it were nothing. But it’s really a bizarre activity. “For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I’m going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.” If you didn’t know what sleep was, and you had only seen it in a science fiction movie, you would think it was weird and tell all your friends about the movie you’d seen. “They had these people, you know? And they would walk around all day and be OK? And then, once a day, usually after dark, they would lie down on these special platforms and become unconscious. They would stop functioning almost completely, except deep in their minds they would have adventures and experiences that were completely impossible in real life. As they lay there, completely vulnerable to their enemies, their only movements were to occasionally shift from one position to another; or, if one of the ‘mind adventures’ got too real, they would sit up and scream and be glad they weren’t unconscious anymore. Then they would drink a lot of coffee.” So, next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you’re in a science fiction movie. And whisper, “The creature is regenerating itself.” + This piece is titled “Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z”, p46-47

  • Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did. (p70)

  • Some see the glass a half-empty, some see the glass as half-full. I see the glass as too big. (p72)

  • If you love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire. (p72)

  • Those who dance are considered insane by those who can’t hear the music. (p74)

    • IMPORTANT NOTE: This is one of the only quotes listed both as a “real” and “bogus” quote, as it was later credited to “Anonymous”. See this page for details.

  • I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. (p76)

  • You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up. (p76)

  • Jesus was a cross-dresser. (p76)

  • In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first. (p77)

  • When someone is impatient and says, “I haven’t got all day,” I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day? (p77)

  • At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. (p80)

  • There are nights when the wolves are silent, and only the moon howls. (p81

    • I’ve been asked about this one a lot, because admittedly it doesn’t sound like something Carlin would write. But you can see it for yourself, in the book. The quote also showed up earlier in the liner notes of Jammin’ In New York (1992).

  • If we could just find out who’s in charge, we could kill him. (p82)

  • The word bipartisan usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out. (p82)

  • The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it. (p83)

  • If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play? (p86)

  • If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? (p89)

  • The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. (p94)

  • Think off-center. (p95)

  • “ONE THING LEADS TO ANOTHER”. Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. (p95)

  • I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore. (p98)

  • I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It’s so fuckin’ heroic. (p100)

  • Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckin’ empty little heads off. (p102)

  • People think life is real complicated. Actually, there’s nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple. (p177)

  • No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like. (p187)

  • The status quo always sucks (p188)

  • Meow means woof in cat. (p191)

  • People love to admit that they have bad handwriting or that they can’t do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: “I’m such a klutz!” But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver. (p193)

  • E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm. (p193)

  • If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten. (p193)

  • Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don’t have time for all that shit. (p198)

  • Beethoven was so hard of hearing he thought he was a painter. (p198)

  • What year did Jesus think it was? (p199)

  • George Washington’s brother was the Uncle of Our Country. (p201)

  • Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second best policy. Second is not all that bad. (p205)

  • Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. (p206)

  • Always do whatever’s next. (p215)

Quotes from Napalm & Silly Putty (2001)

  • You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. (p11)

  • Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck. (p32)

  • By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. (p45)

  • You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. (p46)

  • If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. (p59)

  • When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person. (p70)

  • The reason I talk to myself is that I’m the only one whose answers I accept. (p100)

  • Most people don’t know what they’re doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. (p117)

  • When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands. (p126)

  • Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. (p128)

  • When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I’m sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. (p128)

  • When you think about it, attention deficit disorder makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to. (p128)

  • The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide, but want to get in a little practice. (p141)

  • You know what they ought to have? Motherfucker’s Day. The day after Mother’s Day ought to be Motherfucker’s Day. Actually, when you think about it, Father’s Day is Motherfucker’s Day. (p141)

  • I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work. (p158)

  • Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. (p169)

  • I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it. (p170)

  • I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer’s disease where they slowly began to recover other people’s lost memories. (p170)

  • Electricity is just organized lightning. (p170)

  • The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions (p172)

  • I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences. (p177)

  • I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect. (p189)

  • I think I am, therefore, I am. I think. (p209; on the back cover too)

  • I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. (p210)

Quotes from When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

  • And what exactly is the free world, anyway? I guess it would depend on what you consider the non-free world. And I can’t find a clear definition of that, can you? Where is that? Russia? China? For chrissakes, Russia has a better Mafia than we do now, and China is pirating Lion King DVDs and selling dildos on the Internet. They sound pretty free to me. Here are some more jingoistic variations you need to be on the lookout for: The greatest nation on Earth; the greatest nation in the history of the world; and the most powerful nation on the face of the Earth. That last one is usually thrown in just before we bomb a bunch of brown people. Which is every couple of years.

    • “Politician Talk #3: Senator Patriot Speaks”, p82

  • I’m never critical or judgmental about whether or not a movie is any good. The way I look at it, if several hundred people got together every day for a year or so – a number of then willing to put on heavy makeup, wear clothes that weren’t their own and pretend to be people other than themselves – and their whole purpose for doing all this was to entertain me, then I’m not gonna start worrying about whether or not they did a good job. The effort alone was enough to make me happy.

    • “Roll ‘Em”, p106

  • I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here are a few I would suggest: “Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.”; “Drinking will significantly improve your chances of murdering a loved one.”; “If you drink long enough, at some point you will vomit up the lining of your stomach.”; “Use this product and you may wake up in Morocco wearing a cowboy suit and tongue-kissing a transmission salesman.”

    • “Drink Up”, p141

  • I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade. (p154)

  • A good motto to live by: “Always try not to get killed.” (p213)

  • Here’s all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. It’s not the only reason, but it’s a big one. (p22)

    • This line is from part 1 of a long piece called “Guys & Dolls”. It was a mix of both male-bashing and female-bashing. Funny though how people only quote the two first sentences here.

  • I don’t like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: “Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, ‘There is no “I” in team.’ What you should tell them is, ‘Maybe not. But there is an “I” in independence, individuality and integrity.’” Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, “We’re the So-and-Sos,” take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it’s unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don’t participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you’re not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.

    • This piece is titled “Teams Suck!” (p280-281)

From Last Words (2009)

  • Virginia Graham had a terrific show, which I guested four or five times. She was a great character. Didn’t give a shit about what people thought and loved to stir things up. She was always saying sweetly, “Let’s you two fight” – in other words: “Why don’t you two guests of mine rip each other to shreds?” I did once. I ripped up Representative Bob Dornan, the red-headed maniac from Orange County, when he’d just become a congressman. He talked about “these hippies desecrating the flag” and “the violence of people who are blow up math buildings” and protested about protesters getting violent. So I called him on it: “Wait a minute. A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn’t only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you’re burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It’s only a symbol. It’s only a piece of cloth.

    • From “The Long Ephiphany”, p145

    • Sometimes I see the following words added to the end: “I see them as symbols, and I leave symbols to the symbol-minded”, but that line came 20 years later from Jammin’ In New York (1992).